Not the End…

Of all days to try go out and hitch hike but we needed a way to get food and baby milk for our babies. A lot of things led me to this point and to make these decisions and take these chances. There was no other way for us to try get money but to do our taxes. Stupid me didn’t realize I had a ROE instead of T4 which is needed to do taxes. And as a couple we claim together. Well we made our way to St Georges, Manitoba being dropped off by relatives on their way to Winnipeg. The tax lady told us off the hop that she couldn’t file our taxes unless she had the T4. Fuck did I ever feel stupid and angry. Shit what were we going to do? I looked at Chris straight in his eyes all the disappointment showing in my eyes. We walked out of the office and started walking down the highway. Well we were walking together for a few minutes but I just couldn’t pull it together I was hurt and angry. All I kept thinking was to get home to my babies and figure out a way to get things done. I felt hopeless but this time it was different. I had finally had it with everything. How could I be strong I just want it to end these hard trying times. I couldn’t stop crying and was grateful I wore sunglasses. It was cold out and the tears running down my cheeks made me even colder. I took off on Chris I started walking fast thinking all these awful thoughts. I flagged down a guy backing out of his driveway. He took me even farther away from Chris. He was friendly and thank goodness so kind. He offered to take me farther but thanked him and got off at the junction and started walking north down 304 towards the dam. No one picked me up so I just kept walking.

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Manitoba Hydro Dam 304 Powerview Manitoba

I couldn’t believe the roaring sound as I approached the hydro dam. It was my very first time stepping foot on it and it had to be today. I started the dangerous path it was very icy and slippery. I honestly didn’t care at that point if I got hurt. I found a good spot to stand and look over at the roaring rushing waters of the hydro dam. It was slushy and parts of it were frozen and there were big ice chunks just being sloshed around in the freezing water. I started to think of it all. The past year and how I honestly hit total rock bottom in my soul and my life. I could end it all in just one quick moment of falling. What the fuck was I thinking I shook my head. Stupid! How could I Sarah Louise Bird be so selfish? This life is not mine to take. This life also belongs to the people that truly love me. I remembered seeing a post with Senator Murray Sinclair. It read “Quit your whining we have work to do”. I started crying even harder. Feeling like a fool. I had fought so hard even to get to this point I’m not a quitter. Everything just hit me and my babies came into my head. How could I have let myself sink so low and to have let my anger get so strong. This was the aftermath of closing myself so tightly safe inside all of my grief and all of my worrying. I had just lost it all to the angry feelings of losing Kayla and Cy always being so sickly especially at that time to almost lose my baby. My nerves still so raw from that time. I had come to a complete halt on that dam. I saw Cy and his bright eyes and smile. I saw my Christopher and my Vaidah all there looking for me.

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How could I even have let it get this far? Well I couldn’t just stand there the vehicles started coming and this was not the end of my journey home. I knew it was going to be hard but I had to get home. I started making my way across and the walking path was icy. The car’s and trucks didn’t even slow down so I had to jump back onto the walkway holding onto the railing till they passed. I finally made it to other side of the dam I started to think about Chris. I felt so angry at him but what could he do. I kept walking trying to hitch rides but 4 vehicles just passed me then there he was. A grey car with a elderly couple from Sagkeeng north shore with Chris in the back. I found it so funny but still gave Chris the cold shoulder. He was talking to them and just before they dropped us off at broadlands the lady said to me I know how you both feel no one picked us up when we were walking. She knew we had troubles and she knew why we were walking separately too. It was hard not to tell something happened between us. After we thanked them I couldn’t help but think if they could survive hitch hiking and still be together now with a vehicle then we could survive this. This was not the end though.

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Hold onto me until the end.

We walked till a friend from home offered us a ride but in the back of the truck. We both jumped in just wanting to get home to our babies. Well we froze during that drive but we held onto each other for warmth and love. I cried holding onto him and I just wanted to be warm again. I didn’t want to feel this cold in my life right now. Chris got her to stop half ways home. We got out and started jumping around trying to warm up. We started walking once again and I was completely exhausted. We saw a vehicle coming down the long stretch of course it drove by. Then not long after another one and thank God it was friends. They had seen us earlier but were going opposite of us. Now they were on their way home and they took us straight home to our babies. Even though we came home with nothing the babies were happy to have us. All I could think of is that I had all these reasons why I was trying to keep being the way I was. In a way over thinking brings out the logic in me. I started to think of Kayla and how hurt and angry I’ve been about losing her at that time. How those events threw me off track in my life. I cried a lot that evening even with my babies watching me. Not most people can see just how badly their life really gets. They don’t see the light like some people do. I’ve been so fortunate to have had seen this before it was too late. Certain things just happen a certain way in life. I think I needed to get that cold that day to be reminded of the warmth of this life that I truly love so much.

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Written with Love for Kayla

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